Navigating Grief During the Holidays
Understanding Grief, Coping with Loss, and Finding Gentle Ways to Honour What’s Missing
The holidays are often described as a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. But if you’re grieving, this season can feel heavy, disorienting, and emotionally exhausting. It makes sense if the holidays feel hard.
Grief has a way of showing up when routines change, traditions resurface, and the absence of someone or something becomes more noticeable. You are not doing the holidays “wrong” if joy and sadness exist side by side.
What Is Grief?
Grief is our natural response to loss. It’s the emotional, psychological, and physical experience that arises when something meaningful is gone.
Mourning, on the other hand, is the process of adapting to that loss—how we express grief, make meaning, and slowly learn to live alongside it.
Loss Isn’t Only About Death
Grief can also come from non-death or intangible losses, such as:
Changes in identity or roles
The loss of a relationship or sense of safety
Health changes
Shifts in family dynamics
Letting go of future expectations
These losses are real, and they deserve space and compassion.
Primary Loss vs. Secondary Loss
When we think about grief, we often focus on the main loss—but grief usually comes in layers.
Primary loss is the central loss itself (a person, relationship, or major life change).
Secondary losses are the ripple effects that follow—changes to routines, finances, relationships, traditions, or how we see ourselves.
These secondary losses often become more visible during the holidays, adding to emotional strain.
Grief Is Not Linear (And That’s Normal)
Grief doesn’t move in a straight line. There’s no predictable timeline or set of stages to “complete.” Instead, grief often comes in waves—some days feel manageable, while others feel unexpectedly heavy.
This natural back-and-forth is sometimes called the oscillation of grief, and everyone experiences it differently.
Grief also asks us to adjust on multiple levels:
Internally, as we make sense of who we are after loss
Externally, as daily routines and responsibilities shift
Spiritually, as beliefs, values, or meaning change
How Grief Affects the Brain and Body
Grief doesn’t just live in our thoughts—it affects the brain and nervous system. Much like trauma, grief can make it harder to think clearly, regulate emotions, and feel grounded.
You might notice:
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
Heightened anxiety or emotional sensitivity
Fatigue, low energy, or physical aches
Changes in sleep, appetite, or immunity
These are not signs of weakness—they are common grief responses.
Why the Holidays Can Make Grief Feel Worse
The holidays can intensify grief for many reasons, including:
Cultural pressure to feel happy or grateful
Traditions that trigger memories
Empty chairs or changed family roles
Increased social comparison
Secondary losses becoming more visible
All of this can contribute to exhaustion, brain fog, disrupted sleep, and emotional overwhelm.
Gentle Reflection During the Holidays
Taking time to check in with yourself can help you move through the season with more care. You might ask:
What moments or dates feel heaviest right now?
What expectations am I carrying—for myself or others?
What do I need emotionally, physically, or relationally (rest, space, connection, boundaries)?
There are no “right” answers—just information that can guide your next steps.
Coping with Grief During the Holidays
Do Less, Gently
Grief often calls for minimum effective dosing—doing what’s manageable instead of what’s expected. Checking in with yourself, like noticing the emotional “weather” of the day, can help you decide what you have capacity for.
It’s okay to hold more than one emotion at once. Joy and sadness can coexist.
Setting Boundaries While Grieving
Boundaries are not selfish—they’re a form of self-care, especially during grief.
You might choose to:
Leave gatherings early
Skip events altogether
Opt for smaller or quieter celebrations
Change, pause, or create new traditions
Helpful scripts can sound like:
“Thank you for inviting me. I may need to leave early depending on how I’m feeling.”
“I’m choosing a quieter holiday this year.”
“I might decide last minute based on how I’m doing.”
Managing Internal Expectations
Releasing the pressure to be “festive” can be incredibly freeing. Grief is unpredictable, and it’s okay to change your mind.
You’re allowed to say:
“I thought I had the energy, but today feels harder.”
“I need to step back and rest.”
This isn’t letting anyone down—it’s listening to yourself.
Continuing Bonds: Staying Connected While Grieving
Grief doesn’t require forgetting or letting go. Continuing bonds allow us to stay emotionally connected while adjusting to life without someone’s physical presence.
Mini Rituals That Can Help
Mini rituals create meaning and choice during emotionally charged times. They can be small, private, and flexible.
Ideas include:
Lighting a candle in their honour
Writing or sharing a meaningful memory
Making a donation or act of kindness in their name
Gently adjusting a holiday tradition
There’s no right way to do this—rituals can change from year to year.
A Final Reflection
As the holidays approach, you might consider:
Which traditions you want to keep
Which ones you want to change or skip
What boundaries will support you
A small ritual to honour your loss
Who feels safe to lean on
A Gentle Reminder
Your mixed emotions are valid
Slowing down is allowed
Grief doesn’t follow a holiday timeline
Connection—even in small doses—helps grief move rather than harden
If the holidays feel heavy this year, you’re not alone. Support, understanding, and compassion are available—and you deserve them.
Written by Kyla Balderson (RSW) and Kelsey Prohaska (RP-Qualifying)